Christmas night, I went clubbing with Alex, Cat, and their friends at White Lotus. I was acting uptight I think. I didn’t drink any alcohol and I didn’t dance that freely. Cat asked me, “where is that wild Sandy?!” I didn’t know where she had gone. I was watching the girls dancing all sexy. And I was just watching them, and the guys drooling around them. I was very self-conscious that night that I did not fit in with the rest of the Asian girls there.

The day after Christmas, I went singing karaoke with a few friends. My throat was still a bit sore from the cold. I met Pak’s friends whom I believed to have met once or twice before. I had fun singing there. Although I was lack of practice, it was fun nevertheless, when you did not need to care how people might judge you based on your look, dress, smell, action, or voice. I felt a lot freer than going clubbing for some reason.

I realized I had changed in this past year.

I stayed at home in the following days, with my parents sometimes, and with just myself sometimes. I enjoyed being alone, watching Detective Conan cartoon by myself, and playing with my computer to figure out MySQL and PHP. I was truly relaxed when I was all by myself.

Based on that, I think I need a vacation, a long vacation. I would like to take a month or a few months off, just stay home and mind my own stuff.

It seems that I am still incoherent in thoughts. Yet at least I am much more emotionally stable right now. Rest is giving me some benefit. I think I can finally get over the past and move on now. I am not heartless, yet at least, I can be calm when thinking of the past.

Holiday is going to be over soon. People are coming back. I do not want to go back to work, or with people. I am looking forward towards another holiday break.